A SMT Fan Reads Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen
by HeraldChaos72
Summary: A generic Mary Sue tries to court Deadward. Things go downhill from here as the Mary Sue gains more super speshul personality traits. Lulz and bad grammar abound in this snark.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **Another badfic, you say? This snark will pick apart the lulz that this badfic contains. Be warned that this particular badfic contains bad language and sex scenes. My snarking buddy will appear later.

AN hey guys this is the new improved verson of my story, hope its better this time! **(Last time I checked, it's not improved at all.)** btw i am young and have dyslexia i find spellin hard **(A poor excuse for people who can't spell.)** but its meant2 be unformal **(I think you meant informal.)** ok ! no critisism pls!** (Constructive criticism can help you.)** tis story goes out 2 my bf zac(kisses!) **(You must have some weird make-out sessions going on.)** amd my besfreind Tiffi (I have a terrifying feeling that we'll see her later in the story.) LOVE YA GRRRL! EDWARD IS OUR GODD!(we wanna SEX him gud!) **(Oh, boy...)** love &blood becky mac! xxx x x xx

UPDATE: I have a proofreader and I have cleaned up the spelling and grammer on this chaptor a hell of a lot as you will see (thank u vickie!) i will be imrpoving the next chaptors soon. **(Your beta reader sucks at proofreading.)**

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**Altantiana**

Hey, my names Atlantiana Rebekah Loren (but everyone calls me Tiana or just plain Tiaa). **(Your name is overly long.)** I am a 16 year old girl **(Because all girls have to have their super sweet 16.)** and I live in Forks, Washington! My hair is long and pale like spun gold **(Isn't it a little easier to just say blond?)** and skims to my waist like a pale shimmering amber mist. My eyes are deep forgetminot blue **(We must not forget that her eyes are blue.)** and my delicate fentures **(You meant features. Because fentures isn't even a word.)** are lilly white and pure as the winter snow in moonlight.I've been told by loads of sleazy, ugly, guys **(Not all guys are like that.)** that I'm real pretty and look like a model or a bunny girl (some of the guys who like me are really old and try to make opt with me its disgusting and weird!) but basically a lot of the girls I meet tell a different story. They say I'm too ivory white and ethereal **(How can you be ivory white and ethereal at the same time?)** and too skinny and that I look anorexic **(Anorexic girls don't look like you.)** which i don't care about, but I think its seriously disrespectful to people with REAL eating disorders (btw i'm so totally not anorexic! I eat loads I just never gain weight and I'm not thin enough to be anorexic (anyways, I think they were just being BIATCHES especially this one ratty brain called Ellie Mayfair **(I surmise that this person must've hurt your feelings.)** who I hope freaking DIES in PAIN with SHIT **(Now, now. That's not a thing to say.)** ON HER FACE! Sorry, I'm not really such a batch **(You were a batch of cookies?)** but she is SO horrible if you met her you'd think the same!)

Anyways I am quite tall and slim **(Not all women are tall. Just look at my mother.)** and but with really big boobs **(If you're skinny, you have to have boobs that correspond with your size. It's impossible to have big boobs on a skinny body!)** that I used to HATE because they look noticeable on my slender body and draw to much attention but now i like them and don't care who stares at me! I have a lip ring and recently put black and indigo and magenta streaks in my long pale blond hair. I smell like mint and cinnamon. **(Ugh... Costume porn galore.)** I wear mostly black and hot pink, deep purple and neon blue and listen to COOL music! **(If you say that you listen to my music, you are sorely mistaken.)**

It is my first day at school in forks as I just moved here to live with new foster parents Dave and Marie **(How did you become an orphan?**). They are nice and all very hole somesweet people **(Either it's a sex joke, or she misspelled wholesome.)** but it is not like having a real family. I've been hurt to many times to let people close to me and I don't talk to them very much. My real mom died when I was born **(She must've died from your Mary Sueness.)** and I never knew my real dad. I sometimes wonder what he is like and if I will ever get to met him. **(Your father must've left you.)** Dave gave me a ride to school and I smiled faintly as he wished me good luck and I got out of the car and went into the school. **(Run-on sentence alert! Call the Fanfiction police!)** Loads of people freaking stared at me **(Well, of course they would stare at you.)** as I walked down the hall. I was wearing tight black leather pants with silver chains at the waste and a red fishnet-like top and you could see my black lacy bra through it. **(You dress like a hooker.)** I ignored whispers and the big pink cheerleader imbosils **(Cheerleader imbosils? Isn't it supposed to be imbeciles?)** pointing at me. I was used to it and I paid no at-tension **(What the fudge is at-tension?)** to the guys asking desperately for my number(like hell I'd even LOOK at the horny little donkeys!) **(Not all guys are horny. Most of them are pretty nice to you.)** and told a ditsy blond cheerleader called Jessica to STFU(!) **(Don't put chatspeak in the story!)** when she called me a freak! Next time she tries anything I'll hit her in the eye **(I don't think you should do that.)** cause NO ONE messes with me nemore! My first day I was relay board **(You're on a relay race.)**, I sat gazing out of the window into the gray cloud-embittered sky **(Purple prose burns my eyes.)** for most of the morning, My teachers all looked at me disprovablebut said nothing cause they probably new I was a foster kid and a Gothic and didn't want to upset me in case I cut them up as they slept,. **(That's very sadistic of you. I would never do that to a teacher.)**

My ears are pierced four times, I have a tattoo of a scorpion(like S my birth-sign!) on my ankle **(You're supposed to be eighteen to get a tattoo.)** and a Gothic cross on my shoulder, and on my hand i have a weird birthmark in the shape of a seven-pointed star **(The hexagram of doom.**) that I've had all my life. Your probably wandering why I'm bothering to tell you this, well I tell you now I am no ordinary sixteen year old girl **(Oh goody, she's going to tell us a secret.)**. I have a secret, a dark and forbidden secret witch **(You have a witch?)** I am only just beginning to understand. When I sleep I hear whispers in another language **(It's probably French you're hearing.)** and even though I understand them at the time, when I wake up i can't remember it! I also see weird faces in my dreams **(A trollface.)** that fade to nothingness when I open my eyes and I swear out the corner of my eye my birthmark glows shocking bright gold and gets relay hot sometimes **(Birthmarks are not magical.)** but when I look properly it is back to normal boarding scar-color! I am really gracefull like the running anti-lopes **(I think you meant antelopes.)** when I run very fast and am stronger and faster than most people. I used to just think i was relay athletic but now I'm not so sure, I think there might be something else at work, something so much more mysterious and eeire. **(I don't see what's mysterious about it.)** The truth hovers so softly on the brink of my memory sometimes but if only i could remember the weird things that clung to the edge of my mind as I slept!

At lunch I sat alone in the corner and scanned the cafeteria quietly with my eyes smoldering dark blue beheath my long black lashes and my slim thighs curled under **(How can your thighs curl?)** was the n I noticed an unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT **(Don't forget how sparkly he is.)** dude with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells of hot caramel and pale sexy features. **(It's Justin Bieber.)** He was tall and musseland looked like he was wearing eyeliner **(He's wearing guyliner. Wonderful.)** and my body got hot and coldall at once **(Is this your idea of an erection?)** as I looked at him. I'd never felt this way about anyone before and I'd totally never felt this weird feeling that I'd met someone before but I had no idea where and i knew it was impassible **(Impossibru!)** because I'd freaking remember someone THAT hawt! **(You want to know who's hot? My hubby, Chrom from FE:A.)** A girl sat next to him with long brown hair with her arms dripped over him like a freaking flesh-eating plant **(But, flesh-eating plants don't have arms.)** so i thought well whatevah, hes taken. She wasn't nearly as hawt as he was **(You only care about looks.)**, she wasn't ugly though. I figured I was maybe prettier then her. **(All lies.)** I never really saw myself as beautiful but i'd guessed from thinks others had said, plus this girl wasn't great looking **(You're egotistical.)** but anyways I'd never try to pilchwith another girls' BF cause thats just low. **(Then, why do you think Eddiekins is hot and you lust after him?)** So I got up to leave the hall thinking I'd go and smoke some bald drugs **(My Immortal references. Hooray.)** in the locker room while no one was there. As I waked over to he exit I couldn't help but notice the hawt pale guys musky eyes **(His eyes give off a smell.)** as they met mine. I locked away hurriedly. I smocked dope in the locker room for a bit then I wondered to my next class. I bumped into someone in the corridor and my bocks fell everywhere! FRICK! FRICK! FRIIIICKK! **(You can't even curse.)**

"WTF!" I screamed loudly, "watch where your FREAKING going you asshole!" (i have anger problems) **(Seriously, why are you saying it when you're not showing it?)**

"I'm so so sorry" he said in a voice like wet heaven "please forgive me my lady" **(Oh, great. He's old-fashioned.)**

It was the hawt pale guy! **(Is it a vampire?)**

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**This was horrible. The terrible grammar and spelling makes me mad. There will more of this later on, so get ready for some more misspelled words and atrocious grammar.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Let the lulz begin in the second chapter. This also marks the first appearance of my snarking buddy, Chrom.**

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AN - VINCENT or watever ur name is thanx 4 the LAME reviw. u totall D*** **_(Chrom: I think he did a great job calling her out.)_ (I agree.)** no one is MAKIN u reed this fic if you dont like it then leave.

Clestal zodiac and brittany j - thanx for the advice on my character but shes not a marysue, she's not "perfect" look she has anger problems and she looks the way she does 4 a reason i will explain it as the story goes on. **_(Chrom: And yet, her looks are Mary Sueish.)_ (Not even goth girls dress like that.)**

**Edward**

The anger faded form my sapphire eyes **_(Chrom: Her eyes form sapphires?)_ (Quick, we must get the jewels to sell on the market!)**

"whatevah" i said sweatily "I didnt mean to yell and to be ride" **_(Chrom: How does Edward make her say something sweatily?)_ (I don't think Edward makes girls sweat.)**

"thou are too beuatiful for that" he said, and for once I didnt feel like cockdroppingthe guy for paying me a compilement, instead I just smiled. **_(Chrom: Edward is Shakespeare. Wonderful.)_ (And you don't make any sense when you say 'cockdropping.' What does that even mean?)**

"I'm Ewdard Cullen" he mermered "who are thee?" **_(Chrom: He's a mermaid?)_ (Yay! Edward's a merman who speaks like Shakespeare.)**

"Altatntiana Loren but you can call me Tiana or mabye Tiaa" i said feeling shy at the way he was looking at me. I had seen THAT look in so many male eyes but never quite as intense or sexy! His eyes burned like hot gold velvet in the midday sun like peonix feathers and rainbows, so gold and magical. **_(Chrom: Make the purple prose stop.)_ (I hate how she uses purple prose.)**

"thou reminds me of bygone times" he said, carefully retching out a shaking hand and brushing my cheek "thy face is like an old painting, thou is exceptional" **_(Chrom: Edward does not talk like that.)_ (And he throws up his hand.)**

"your not so shanky yourself but i couldn't help noticing you have a fricking GF, you ass! I saw u with her in the cafeteria!" I notched his hand hard with my long black nails. **_(Chrom: Gods, does she have long nails?)_ (Yes, since she's apparently Wolverine.)**

"thee DID notice me then?" he purred with a sly grin. I was up against the wall with his face right close to me now. **_(Chrom: Call the police! A strange guy is raping her!)_ (I don't think anyone saw them out in the hallway.)** He wanted to sex me I could tell, and suddenly he was kissing me! I felt like my slim legs would break in half and my heart expanded like a big balloon**. **I fell his hand sliding softly down my neck an underneath my top. He stoked my breasts for a few minutes and his man-carrotstanding in action and hard as a rock against my legs. **_(Chrom: Stroking breasts sounds weird.)_ (Haha. The man carrot part always makes me laugh.)** And then he ripped my top and pulled it of me and doped it on the floor. We made out for 10 minutes and then he tried to take of my bra but I pushed him away suddenly thinking WTF Tiaa are you just gonna let this total stranger take your cloths off in school where anyone could see you? I'd never let a guy kiss me before or touch me and suddenly I was letting this cheating sicko with a FRICKIN GF grope me just cause he was uber hawt with sexoy hair and cold as death! I was acting like a biatch and a slut and I was suddenly very ashamed of my actions. **_(Chrom: You just let a guy almost rape you.)_ (And you didn't even call for help.)**

-BASTARD! Never touch me again!" i gapsed (Chrom: Edward is out of character. He abstains from sex in the books and movies.) (I think he's been changed to suit the Mary Sue's needs.)

"If thou thinks thou can keep thou hands of me!" he answered all smug, and I couldn't believe how he made me feel so angry and so aroosed at the same time. **_(Chrom: You can't be angry and aroused at the same time.)_ (And how can you even be in love with him even though you literally just met him?)** At that moment I'd never HATED anyboy more in my whole life and the worst part of it was he was SO FREAKIN HAWT I was totally creaming my pantiesand he NEW it, this was horible! I felt disguised with myself and turned to leave. **_(Chrom: Creaming yourself is not normal.)_ (Ew, you need to get yourself to a doctor, stat.)**

"Wait! I need to speck to thee! I no your secret tiaa"he said in a quiet voce gassing into my eyes"your one of my kind. who made thee ?are you part of a coven or on thou own? **_(Chrom: She's on her own.)_ (What secret are you talking about?)**

"what-is said sharply -dude your insane! And you freakin SMELL! (he didnt really smell but I didnt no what else to say!) **_(Chrom: And yet, you insulted him.)_ (I'm starting to think maybe she's not really a good insulter.)**

"thy a CAMPIRE tia! a VAMPIRE! BUT WHY CAN'T I READ THOU MIND? I THOUGHT BELLA WAS THE ONLY ONE BUT HERE THOU ARE! WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEEEEAN!" **_(Chrom: She got one part right. He's a mind reader.)_ (And his ability is mentioned only one time.)**

He punched the wall with his buckly fist and shouted suddenly furious and his eyes flickered red. I schleppedhim hard across the face and tried to leave but he caught my wasteand as I struggled and tried to hit him again he caught my hand in mid air and hammed me against the wall where his hand had already made a huge dint in the wall. **_(Chrom: What does 'schlepped' mean?)_ (It means to haul or carry. Obviously, she got the word wrong.)** His face was blunt and right heavy in mine. My knee came up hard against his massive throbbing gigglestickbetween his legs and he drubbed over in pan. I broke free and goaded my booksand started rugging away to math, but edward hand finished with me. **_(Chrom: I'm creeped out by the weird penis euphemisms.)_ (And the weirdness is only just beginning.)**

"TIAAAAAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOO!" he screamedafter me tearing his shrit of himself in fury and throwing it over my eyes.I lost my sight and was behind me breathing into my ears. **_(Chrom: I don't think 'shrit' is a word._) (It's funny because she meant shirt.)**

"i'm sorry tiaa" he wimpered sadly picking me up off the floor and gazing mutely into my eyes "i didnt mean to rut thee! I'm so contemptuos! I APOLOGIZE! THIS IS JUST SO WEIRD!" **_(Chrom: Finally, he speaks normally after speaking like Shakespeare for no reason.)_ (And how does one gaze mutely?)**

"YOUR so frickin weird you mean!" I snaped whitely as he lay on the floor so hawt and crying with his shirt off with his pippling body. **_(Chrom: How does your body pipple?)_ (I think she meant rippling.)** I wanted to forgive him for calling me a vampire (VAMPIRE! I'd heard that one before from preppy losers asking if I sleep in a coffin and suck blood like LETSAT just cause I like eyeliner and listen to Linken Park) **_(Chrom: I don't know what she's talking about. Is it a douche?)_ (No. It's poor Lestat that got a mention. I feel sorry for the guy.)** and making fun of me and trying to force me against the wall and maybe plunder my crevisesbut i didnt. I left him crying on the floor and went to find my class. As I entered math class i suddenly droped my bocks again as a flashing pain burned in my left hand as my brithmark glinted gold for a second (NO JOKE!) then I fell over. The pain was suddenly gone and some weirdo blond freak called Eric was helping me up and staring at me like a pervo rapist. **_(Chrom: I don't think all guys are perverted.)_ (Women can be perverted, too.)** I kicked him in the sholder (kung fu babie!) **_(Chrom: How can your legs reach there?)_ (And how does she learn kung-fu?)** as he gazed longingly after his frickin dreams. I sat down at the back of the class unable to think about anythin but my weird enconter with edward cullen, wondering what it all could mean. **_(Chrom: It means you're probably just some common whore.)_ (And I thought Bella was with Edward.)**

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**This chapter was hilarious due to the man carrot part. Please review and tell me what you think of this snark. I just love to snark a good badfic.**


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